Wait Till It Becomes My Fault!

I love my wife! In many ways, to be precise. Living with her has changed my outlook towards life itself (possible oxymoron statement).

The first time she came to my apartment, i took her on a ‘tour’ of the place. We entered my bedroom and i decided to nag her by telling that, as a bachelor i was happy and lead a very comfortable life.

With she standing by me by the bedside, i had to prove my point. I told her, everyday i’d come home from work, take off my t-shirt and just toss it on the bed and i did the same right there – took off my t-shirt and tossed it on the bed.

She being very particular about keeping the place clean is a fact. But how the hell was i supposed to know that she had powers to bend the laws of physics like Neo or may be she would have been trained in some ancient Chinese martial arts form. All i saw in a flash was something moving beside me. Next thing i know is that my t-shirt never landed on the bed and there she was standing beside me with the t-shirt in her hand.

Like the Clint Eastwood character in the many western movies, she just said 2 words, “Not anymore!”, and i knew life was never going to be the same. (or rather i think i saw a cowboy hat, guns and boots and what she might have said was like – ‘Not anymore. Punk!’)

Off late, she blames me for what ever that goes wrong. And trust me when i say this – she blames me for everything, i mean everything.

There is water on the bathroom floor. Why? ‘Coz i didn’t wipe the floor. The closet is leaking. Its my fault because i didn’t fix it.

Now i have reached a point where anything that goes wrong is de-facto my fault!

Last night we decided to go to a discotheque. She was trying on the new denim skirt and ,lets just say it was my bad luck, she couldn’t fit in it as comfortably as she did when we had bought that almost a month back. Now that became my fault. How? Her arguments were so precisely formulated that i was defenseless. It goes like this –

Point 1 – Before marriage she could have easily fit into that skirt.

Point 2 – After marriage she is finding it tough to fit in that skirt.

Now what’s the reason? Obviously she married me. So its my fault that she couldn’t fit in the new skirt. The variable that defined whether she could fit into the skirt or not was defined by the wedding (yeah! even i didn’t see that coming over a skirt!)

Here is another situation as a closing note – She couldn’t wear the jewelry, as advertised now, because we married a bit too early before the new design came out. Now she is planning a re-marriage…

So the secret to our undying love for each other – i just wait for it to become my fault and i gladly accept it!

Post Marital Analysis

MG 0670 thumb Post Marital Analysis Well its been over two months since i got married, got settled in Bangalore and living, lets say a quite ‘comfortable’ life. The root cause of this post is because i have to constantly answer the rhetorical and tiring question from friends, relatives and family – ‘So how is life?’.

Well what do you want me to say? That my wife is a pain in my not so fat ass and that every time she offers me something i make the her have a portion of that, just to make sure that its not poisoned and that my life has become one living hell. OR Shower praises about her and talk endlessly about her goodness OR Would a simple ‘Ok!’ would do.

So what really is it like after 2 months. For one thing for sure, you can’t black mail me with stories of me and my ex-girlfriends. She has already gone through my stuff while i was not at home and the best part being she confessing all of it after getting drunk (now that’s the way to extract secrets out of her!)

One thing good is what has happened to my eating habits. There is breakfast, lunch and dinner without fail. Its been almost a month since i have stepped into the kitchen to make something for myself. The very first month itself i taught her the basics of cooking, and impressed her with my culinary skills. Now she is able to handle the kitchen all by herself. As i tell my friends, earlier i used to got to the kitchen and then make food, now the food comes to me! In short i have trained her!

Oh Wait!

Now i realize what has actually happened! After the first month and after she had mastered the ways of the ‘kitchen’ , i thought i had trained her to do what ever she liked. But now i realize that it was the other way round. One month, it was just one month that she listed to me and then did what ever i asked her to. These days she cooks dinner and says, ‘Honey! come for dinner’. At times she tells me what we need to do when we have some spare time. Oh my god, she has trained me without my knowledge into her pet.

.. wait .. she is saying something..

Oh, dinner is ready! I need to go.

Runaway Groom

runawaygroom Runaway Groom

[Runaway Groom - Prologue]

This real life story is set in the past, some 5-7 years ago. Well lets not leave any room for uncertainty, 6 years in the past.

George, a Delhi-ite who had a penchant for movies, good food and almost loved everything under the sun – almost! He hated two kinds of people. Pledging – all Indians are my brothers and sisters – never really included two kinds of people for him. A deep aversion for Malayali girls – they smell of sticky coconut-oil, burps and have no idea about a process called waxing . And finally Tamilians – for him they were dark people who cried for the Kauveri water and more water, though they never understood the idea of taking a shower.

Arathi Srinivasan was born to a well to do ‘gelf’ settled malayali parents. Hailing originally from Kuttanad, but brought up in Chennai by her maternal grandparents because her parents were busy milking the camel for gold and oil in ‘gelf’. A beauty in herself with stunning eyes, cascading hair, polyglot, smart witty and focused in life.

With the IT boom and the blooming job opportunities, both of them found themselves working for the same multinational in Bangalore. Though they had common friends, Arathi was like double-jeopardy for George. Deep down he hated her, though he would give a polished smile once in a while.

His nightmares started, when his best buddy Sundareshan Nair a.k.a Sundaran, started to fall for Arathi’s features. With Sundaran never having the courage to ask her out, George found himself being the ‘messenger’ of Sundaran, having to go up to Arathi in asking how she was and what she was up to. Every time he had to do that, his molars wore down by 100th of an inch.

Finally he decided to end this torture and fix things up between Sundaran and Arathi. He fixed a Saturday evening dinner with Arathi for his buddy Sundaran, who had almost turned into his foe. Sundaran spent the following days plucking flower petals against ‘Aru loves me, Aru loves me not’ and the nights telling George about what he thought would be the best place for him and Aru to settle down an have a few kids.


D-Day, 5.5 years ago, Chung-Wah Restaurant Koramangala:

George reluctantly had to accompany Sundaran to the restaurant as Sundaran developed last minute cold-feet. They sat across the table waiting for Arathi to turn up. She arrived half and hour late with her friend. On seeing the guys seated ,she walked straight up to the table and sat next to Geroge.

To this day, George swears that this is what was exactly going through his mind – “Why is she sitting next to me? Why cant she sit with him? What the fuck is wrong with her? I can smell the coconut-oil on her hair… Sundaran fucker i’m gonna kill you for this”.

But Sundaran was all long faced by that time. Unwillingly, they ordered food and ate and left. All through out the dinner, George just listened to the conversation and only answered to questions directed at him.

That was the start of everything. Arathi took interest in Geroge and she finally seduced him. But still we have two conflicting versions of the story here. Arathi says that though the feelings were mutual towards each other, she wanted Geroge to confess it first. But George denied everything 3 years back. He said he was being tortured, and the only was out of it was to feed the wolves what they were looking for and get back home. So he said what Arathi wanted to her and left the place.


Fast-fwd to 2009 and we have a couple who are getting married in less than a month. They make plans for their future.

“Georgie, we will buy a house and covert one of the rooms into a reading room. We will have a big shelf and lots of books to read. Our kids will read and learn”

“But Aru, we shouldnt forget the shelf for the original-uncut-director’s edition DVDs i have collected over the years and the home theater that you promised to buy after the wedding”

They fight and Aru calls him, “Georgieeee” in a soft, stern and confident way and George just smiles and obliges.

George and i still meet for drink and he says, “Fuck man! If only that Sundaran had balls, i would have been still single!”


Epilogue

As George says these days, “Never hold prejudice against anyone, ever! You might end up marrying them”

Runaway Groom – Prologue

“So what’s your New Year resolution…”runawaygroom Runaway Groom   Prologue

“Nothing much, I’m getting married..”

“Awwhhhh!!!”

Depending up on the tone, length and energy that takes for that ‘awwh’ to come out of the person, gives me a fair bit of idea about what the person wanted to say and then reduced it as an ‘awwhhh’. Nevertheless, i will be married in 2010. Why 2010? That’s because she said she wanted to get married in 2010. (She has already started dictating me around)

What gives me the at most confidence is seeing total misfits work out magic together. Misfits.. that might bee too naive, misleading and lessening of a word to use to describe the two main characters in the following narration.

This is the story of George and Arathi. To the reader who know me, this is not the story of Sandy(@2s) and Soumya(@soumyageorge). Ohh they fit very well. Every time i meet them i see The Batman and The Joker and the immortal dialog spoken between them (add the arrow bubbles above heir head) – “You complete me!”. Though i wont say who is who in that context.

But George and Arathi were different and it was causalities that lead to their union.

Disclaimer:

All characters in this short story has been conceptualized from real characters and bears absolute resemblance to living people (none of them are dead yet, not at least for the next 50 years). This is not my story and i’m not dumb ‘now’ to do that. If the characters happen to read this then they owe me a pint each!

Happy Reading.

[Link to Story]

Oh Mama, I lost my Virginity!

I could feel her heart beat. It was racing up. Her breathing became heavier with each passing moment. She held me tight and squeezed her against me.

Inching closer, i felt her lips against mine. I slipped into sweet seduction.

Ok period! This post is not meant to be of any pornographic value. The intend of this post is to announce my engagement on my blog. icon smile Oh Mama, I lost my Virginity!

Well, apparently after reading the title and then the first two lines, someone might have got a heart attack and as i’m typing this i’m laughing out loud. Yes the repercussions of this post will be quite sour, but i like the 10sec fun at times. No its not my fiance whom i’m fearing (i’ll fear her post engagement), but its her mother. Yes my Mother-in-law icon smile Oh Mama, I lost my Virginity!

Well she apparently goes through my blog and makes it a point that she reads my twitter feeds too. So this was my way of telling her – “This is me Jerry and i’ll be marrying your daughter icon biggrin Oh Mama, I lost my Virginity! !!!”. Oh, i can so visualize her in my mind right now. The phone at my home ringing, my folks coming to know about the post and they reading it and it all adding up to the visits on my site.

The what the heck is the title about? Well i’m losing my bachelorhood and that is almost as equivalent my virginity. Have been carefree, lived by my own terms, raced my bike on roads, went on late night drives, partied all night, slept through the day. No one to ask why? No one to ask where? But now its all changing. Isn’t that an important phase. I bet!. I will be stepping into responsibilities (yikes!!!) and relations(yawn!!) and have to keep’em all my life. But to tell ya, its a good feeling. Trust me, you should give it a try. But dont blame me if u crash and burn.

Now the details. kindly read the F.A.Qs and if that doesnt answer the questions post your query in the comments and i will reply to it.

Kindly note that questions like “Did you tell her about the night that you sneaked into your ex-girlfriends bedroom and kissed her for the first time?” will be promptly deleted and wont see the light ever again. Though the answer to that will be “No!” icon smile Oh Mama, I lost my Virginity! . What! You want me to get myself killed or what? Stan icon biggrin Oh Mama, I lost my Virginity! , i guess you get the point!!!

Frequently Asked Questions.

Q. Whats her name and location?
A. Bhavna. Hails from Cochin.

Q. What does she do?
A. Working at a s/w company in Chennai.

Q. So does that mean that she is a techie like you and is into blogging?
A. No! and i’m fine with it. Well one of a kind is all thats needed in a family. Have doubts ask my mother-in-law.

Q. Does that mean that you will be shifting to Chennai after wedding?
A. No. She will join me here in Bangalore.

Q. What are you getting as dowry?
A. Nothing! Dowry is illegal. In fact i’m losing stuffs. How about my bachelorhood to start with.

Q. When is the engagement?
A. November 15th, 2009. The Wyte Fort Cochin. Some time after 11AM.(Google Maps Link)

Q. When is the wedding?
A. One at a time plz. Let me get over the engagement first icon smile Oh Mama, I lost my Virginity!

Q. What should i do if i want to attend the function?
A. Call me or drop me an e-mail and we shall make some arrangements.

icon smile Oh Mama, I lost my Virginity! You have thus been invited… (if my in-laws doesnt kill me before the function)