Sanity Insanity and Moi

December 19, 2008 …

I didn’t expect to write this second part the very next day. But something really funny happened that i had to write about day 2.

After taking the session to a crowd, that enrolled itself for the advanced training, for something that they didn’t know, i was quite exhausted. Every time i finish a slide i’d ask them, “Did u guys understand that?”. They all will then have that look like Katrina Kaif just asked them out. Interestingly the only girl in the session, was trying out the student exercises and was cursing big time - “Yeh, kitna ghatiya system hai…”. With all that, i needed a break.

I decided to walk it up to the guest house. After all it was just a 15 min walk from the office. Got out to the main road and got on to a cycle rickshaw. I was told by my friend from Delhi that one of things to try out in Delhi was to take a ride in one of the cycle rickshaws. Hopped on to one of them and as i was nearing my guest house, i changed my plan.

(translation of my conversation with the rickshaw guy)

“Do you know any shopping malls near by..”

“Yes sir”

“Can you take me there?”

“Ok”

So he started peddling. On and on and on. On the way i see one Grand Mall, he didn’t stop there. Then i see a Mega Mall. he didnt stop there either. I asked him why he didn’t stop any where there? He replied that he will take me to a better place. 20 minutes into the ride i end up in a place like the BDA Complex in Bangalore and there was a big red board on top of that building and on it was written in white Arial Bold font - “DLF Shopping Mall”. Yes! he took me to a building named shopping mall. I just couldn’t stop laughing at myself. Paid the rickshaw guy and walked back to Mega Mall. All the way laughing at myself.

So if u ever end up in Delhi/Gurgaon/any NCR region, dont ask for shopping malls. Just ask for ‘malls’. I must warn you, if u cant say ‘mall’ with the ‘o’, and can only say that with an ‘a’; Oops! My advice - stay at home, Delhi is not the place for you. Or may be if you are lucky enough the mall can get you to a place full of ‘mall’.

December 19, 2008 …

With @fagunbhavsar falling head-over-heels over Parvathy Omanakuttan and vouching that he is going to use coconut-oil for cooking from now on, i just cant stop laughing at the fact that i’m literally bringing the coconut-oil-touch into the shudh-dahi-hindi over here. One of the few things that my friends, or rather the only thing that my friends asked me not to do in Delhi/Gurgaon or any other place in North-India, is to speak hindi. I tried but i couldn’t, the cabbies over here will only reply, “Yes Sir” to what ever you ask them in english.

“Will you pick me up tomorrow morning?”, “Yes sir!”

“or do i have to book a cab by calling up the office?”, “Yes sir!”

So the only was i could was to ask them something was in Hindi, and realize that they are smiling at my accent. Naah !!! i dont care.

I knew the journey had started, when at BIAL, i over heard a kid tell his mom in a thick British accent - “I’m not bull-shiting you mom!!!”. Ya right and i have fluent Hindi!!!.

Its some how destined that every time i travel, something embarrassing has to happen. This time i was brimming with confidence in my new semi-formal jacket, and confidence was overflowing when i saw the Kingfisher Lady at the check-in counter greet me with the broadest smile ever and a well placed, “Have a nice flight, sir!” on parting. Did i just feel like James Bond!. Ya the joy didnt even last for 5 min. I was in for the security check. I had only carried 2 bags for my 5 day trip and the security had to ask me to open one of them.

That fortunate bag had to be the one with all my clothes. No he didn’t ask me to pull out all the clothes. But he took out my deo, my hair cream and pulled out my bottle of Vaseline cream. Oh ya, i use lotion, coz its a dry weather outside and i knew Delhi was going to be worse than Bangalore. Oops i just made it worse! Any way he took it out, and i bet even a blind man 100mts away could’ve spot the bright colored bottle. He said its not allowed. Saving the last bit of dignity, i packed my bag and asked him to keep the lotion.

Then started the boooooooring wait to board the flight. It was so booring that all i could think of was, i had them written down too -

• How will i stop 2s in sending me the message “Where are you?” every 17mins. I have a very interesting solution to that
• Should i get married or settle in a live-in - this killed most of the time. I had to settle for live-in, considering the money that i can save or may be with half the money i save i can go on 2 honeymoons
• Is there any way i can provide proof to Hexium’s question of Chicken or egg?

Thankfully it was time for boarding the flight. Good looking stewardesses, great food, ultimate passenger comfort. I’ll give 4.95/5 for Kingfisher Airlines. Taking away 0.05 coz, everything good in this world is either illegal, banned or owned by someone else.

Finally Delhi airport, it looked clean and different from my last visit. So here is a lesson that i learned long time back and always forget to implement it. Make your bookings/arrangements before hand. Dont think that you can do things impromptu. I didnt book my cab from the airport to the guesthouse and the next cab at my disposal was another 90minutes away. Ohh man!!! More time to kill…

Luckily the cab was there in 20 minutes and i reached guesthouse around 12PM. Off to sleep.

When you desire something true to heart, the whole universe conspires against you. My dad, my mom, my friend, the cabbie, the receptionist everyone called me and woke me up in the middle of my much needed sleep after 24hrs. Decided to call off the sleep and went to office.

I must say, people from Delhi are decedents of some Matrix generation. I tell the cabbie, “DLF Phase II, M 12/29“. Voila! the cabbie takes me there. Another set of numbers and there i’m staring at my destination. How do they do it? I do understand that its their place. But its just mere numbers. C’mon its like memorizing websites by their I.P. addresses. May be they should crack this on the next season of Myth Busters!!!

I’m looking fwd for the next 3 days of training … i hope they dont sleep off…

She pinged me on one of the most laziest days of my life …

She asked - “Hi!!! How do i know you???”

For which i had no answer, Lord Google didn’t help, The Order of Orkut didnt help, staring at her photo for 10 min, doing a simultaneous name-to-face search and facial-recognition program on the reels of life gave “No Match Found”.

Getting ready to make a complete ‘rear-end’ out of myself, i told her “I don’t know”. She surprised me by greeting ‘G’d morning’ when it was half-an-hour past 3 in the noon and made me look like an idiot when she answered “Working for a project” to my question of “What are you doing in office on a Sunday?”. Made me think if she was was bitten by a well known Libran.

Whom so ever said, one cant beg on his knees on a chat, you now look like an absolute blossomed bottom!!! I forfeit if it was a game she was playing on me. For a person, looking so cute in her photos, to chat with a stranger for so long, proved to be quite mysterious. She vowed she had no clue.

She left me clue less, high and dry on chat. All i know is that she will be at the same location where my business travel is taking me to…

(P.S. - I did make a complete ass out of myself while chatting to her and in fact she stopped chatting after 30min. A personal best !!!)

Piece of advise : dont chat with anyone when you are drowsy, hungry, tired, lazy and have tasty food by your side ..

(Still wondering what a BFG is? read on…)

I was there, standing at a railway crossing. I can walk across the rails and go ahead on the road, on my way, where ever it can take me. But, No! I park my bike and start walking on the railway line. Minutes and hours pass by. I come across green meadows, houses, hills; it was a timeless journey. No thirst, no hunger, no pain, nothing. It was me, the railway line and the view. I don’t know how far i was walking. The sun was there shining high up in the sky. He never moved. I was lost in my thoughts.

It has been quite sometime that I’ve started hearing some strange sounds. It sounded like the ringing bell of an old steam-locomotive. Ting…. Ting…. Ting….

I was high on my spirits. After a long walk, i have a train to go forward. This was like the ultimate dream. Or am i dreaming? I stop to turn around. What the…. my legs are glued to the ground. I cant move!!!. I was struggling like hell to free myself. Behind me i could see the dust and smoke rising up in the horizon. What ever it may be, the dream was just about to turn ugly. My heart’s beating a 1000 beats per minute.

I look behind. I see a shining far behind. Its small, its fast and its coming my way. I’m struggling like hell. I hear the bell ringing even closer. I turn behind… What the #$#%^&^(*(&)(*_)… a pandit with neatly shaved head, big pony tail flying behind him, ringing his bell with one hand and a ‘portable’-fireplace (might be some new 21st century invention).. running towards me. What on heaven’s sake is that?

“Son”, holy crap!!! its my dad, standing to my right.

“What… How… Why…”

“Son”, jeeezzzz, its my mom, standing to my left.

“What… What are you guys doing here?”

“Tie the knot my son!!!”, they both say that with absolute precision that can even leave the most meticulously synchronized systems to shame.

“Tie what?”, i look in front of me and i almost faint. I’m holding a ‘mangalsuthru’ and there is this girl standing in front of me. I don’t know jack shit about her. Is this a right time to at least ask her name?. What am i doing …

Ting ting ting ting ting ting ting ting ting ting …….

I was still sweating and breathing heavily as i jumped out of my bed. Checked around me and all round my flat just to make sure that i didn’t really wake up after my first-night… or worse 20 years after my marriage. So why do i get the feeling that this is what is going to happen to me????

Parental-pressure is high! By parental-pressure i mean damn crazy pressure that can cause you to go sleepless for days at end. If i thought that could only be the only one which can cause unrest in my serene life, i was wrong. There was… No… there IS a far more greater pressure that will eventually get happy bachelors to get married. Its scientifically called Peer-Pressure a.k.a Friends.

Celibacy is not my way of life. But Yes, face it! Its your FRIENDS who will eventually get you married. They will all be there. They are the greatest treasure that u can have. Even long after you are gone, you will live within your friends. ‘Gone’ as in not like you are dead. ‘Gone’ as in, you go on-site and they will still talk about you as, ‘Kaminaa Saala!!! On-site se kuch nahi leke aayega. Fakeeerrrr…’. You live now, not after you’re dead.

They are there. But have you ever though about what happens when they all eventually face the running-pandit, gets run over by him, never gets a chance to wake up and lives the ‘dream’. Oops you’re in trouble.

They all get married and start their family. They no longer enjoy the jokes that you shared. Even worse they even reach a point where they tell you, “Dude don’t talk about all that, she doesn’t like all that”. Worse still, his wife hates you and more worse, her husband starts having feelings for you.

Oops! your friend will change. They all change eventually and you are left alone. You just cant go and make more friends because, the ‘make-great-friends’ list gets shorter with age. Soon you will find yourself without the great friends that you used to hand out with, no new friends and you are being treated like an adult where ever you go. And i believe the later stage is definitely not where i want to find myself at.

So now there is even more pressure on you to get married…

Whats that… Ting ting ting ting ting ting ting ting ting ting… Where is that BFG (Big Fucking Gun), i’m gonna kill that pandit…

WTF… its full platoon of relatives and friends marching towards me. Dad and Mom holding a garland each, friends with kids and its then i realize that the pandit was just a side-kick.

I just stand there like a scapegoat as they dance around me… Ting ting ting ting ting ting ting ting ting ting…

The recipe for a perfect bad day was in place. I slept through the morning alarm, woke up at 11AM and missed the meeting at 10. To top things up, i woke up with a bad headache. Hangover from last night! 2 large vodkas with coke with 2 cubes of ice, that’s all that i had. Plus the fact that i went out on a weekday for a drive with the gang. I wasn’t home till 3 in the morning.

Well, i sat there on the bed contemplating what to do now? Obviously i had to get dressed asap and reach office. In the mean time i had to think of some real good reason to tell my manager why i was late. Cant tell him that i was working late, because the release was done and there was not much of work left. Ok, the most used and reused reason always works, ‘I wasn’t feeling well, i was having a bad headache!’. Thinking that will bail me out i had a quick shower, dressed and reached office.

As if i had a clue, work piled on me when i got my senses back. I thought about the book, “Who Moved My Cheese?” by Dr. Spencer Johnson, now i should be Haw. How can i be Haw? Screw it, let me get through the day first. Just want to get back home. Some how i managed to push myself through what was left of the day. Remember, i reached office at 12PM. Finally after managing to stage some ‘i’m feeling sick’ drama i was out of office by 5PM. Please don’t ask me how, but i managed it.

Whats next? Took my bike and was out of Embassy Golf Links, on to Intermediate Ring Road and i was headed towards K-Town. Hmmm.. none of my friends are going to be free till 7PM. Not even my jobless sweetheart, my pseudo-wife in the group, who only has time to cut her hair. Someone should tell her that at this rate she would go hairless in a month or less. The fact is that, that someone should be Mr. India, not because he can charm her into not doing it, because she is the bully of the group and we all are, to be frank, scared to tell her this. That even applies to her ‘real’ boyfriend too.

This did bring a smile on my face, which quickly faded into something like - Ooops i’m screwed again - when i realized that i jumped the signal at Sony World. Throttled to the max and even before the cowboys of Bangalore Traffic Police could jump in front of my bike, i had crossed e-zone. Hmmm where do i go next. Let me go to Forum. I’ll go to Landmark and roam around till everyone is free and its time when the ‘gang’ can meet up.

I was feeling much better compared to how i had started the day. It was returning to normalcy. 30 min in Landmark and i was bored to my karmic senses. Oh crap, let me have a coffee now. I went all the way to CCD and ordered for a Mocha with an extra espresso shot. That ought to cheer me up a bit. Waiting … waiting … waiting … looking at the chicken-tikka sandwich, thinking over what had happened till now, i lost track of my environment and was cursing me in my head when,

“What a bad a day!!!”

“Tell me about it…”, i replied.

Oops. Did i just say that out loud. With ninja-reflexes and blood rushing to my head and beads of sweat forming on my forehead, i looked to the side, to find those beautiful hazel-eyes looking quizzically at me. The ninja ran for cover, more blood rushed to my head and i was sweating so badly that i could have used a shower at that point.

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I was there. It didn’t feel great.

I was scared, i was lost, i was wandering in the dark.

I hit the Writer’s Block.

Trust me its a damn scary place. Felt good when i reached there, mainly due to the fact that i was busy at work and i was in no way even getting time to pee. Forced into the dark the force grew weaker in me. Two days back i faced the bitter reality that i had hit the block, i shouldn’t have taken the left turn at the T-junction at the dead-end, for what joy?, i have no idea.

Goddess Wikipedia (a.k.a. Goddess Saraswathi in Hindu Mythology), describes Writer’s Block as :

Writer’s block is a phenomenon involving temporary loss of ability to begin or continue writing, usually due to lack of inspiration or creativity.

Naah!!! Nothing of these caused my condition. I had inspiration(lots of it) and i had lots to write but i didn’t. Why? I needed a reason and today i have a reason to write. Breaking the door, like Rajani, i’m out with the reason i needed (I wish it was more like a girl that i walked out with).

20th Sept, 15th Oct and this one on the 30th of Oct, that was the frequency of my posts in the last 2 months.

Looking back i ponder what made me stop, was it the work or was it something more noir. Yes, work was one of the reasons, undeniably. 20+ hrs of working on a single day, my friends began referring me as IBM’s bitch. Getting adjusted to the new life was one definite factor. But when i search deep it was something more than that. One that pains me still, tried shrugging it off, but couldn’t, it still lingers in the darkest thoughts. It can be described as one that is scariest for a writer. I was never credited for something that i wrote. Even my closest friends didnt acknowledge the fact that it was me. Bang! i got a “500 Internal Server Error” when i was expecting a “200 OK” with “Connection: Keep-Alive”.

Any way its all behind me, and i at least think that i’m back.

BTW my lingo has now been reduced into the results of an aftermath of heavy AS2/AS3 testing, with heavy dosage of XML and Development team that doesnt consent to bugs.

Taken this opportunity, if u would like anyone who is coming across this post to share, what made them hit writer’s block and how they did eventually overcome it….

It Hurts … when you know a person for so long and yet she compares you, measures you ..

It Hurts … when things that you do goes unnoticed …

It Hurts … when she tells you, that you are not good enough …

It Feels Better — when i say FUCK YOU !!!

I haven’t been much of a sports person all my life. But i was fit enough to play a match of cricket or a game of basketball. Of late the techie job that i have and my kind of lifestyle started to take a toll on my health. Following my employer’s motto, i ‘THINK’ and i IDEATE but i also took on the activity of IDLE-ating.

How bad did i get? Remember the movie Ice Age and the character Sid. He makes a portrait of himself on the rock and Diego draws a circle around his belly. Ya i started to look like that. Though more in a human form.

2 days back, a head rush or rather a knee jerk decision found me going up to the watchman and asking him the keys to the Gym, at my apartment.

Got into my room, changed and headed to the gym on the terrace. Most of the people are too lazy and more over since it was 7:30 in the evening, i didn’t expect any one to be there at the gym. As i neared i could make out that someone was using the thread-mill.

But Who?

OMG! A girl. And not bad .. she’s hot!!! Now its more of a challenge to me. My right-side of the brain telling my left-leg to step forward and enter the gym. At the same time my left-side of the brain ordering the right-leg to turn back. In that split second i almost did a 180 deg split, like Bruce Lee.

Snap! and i’m in the gym. I’m all too serious now. Kept the keys and the mobile by the window. Looked at her and said a ‘Hi’ and introduced myself. Hmmm.. she is smart. Doing her 2nd year BSc Computer Science at Christ College. And she answers to “Manisha”.

“C’mon tiger! You can do it. Be cool. Do what you are here for. Ask her for a date! No No .. Do the damn exercise. If not, you will eventually look like Sid. Then even if you are migrating to avoid the Ice Age you wont even be half as lucky as Sid. Your story will end at the hands of the Rhinos.”

Ok, straight away, for the dumbbells. Hmm 10Kg, lifted it.. naah too heavy. Ahhh, 5Kg, i picked one in each hand. In any given situation people will lift the dumbbell one at time, bottom-up, pumping their biceps. I didn’t.

May be because i was praying to God not to mess up and may be that Jesus decided to play a prank with me, i did the worst thing ever. I lifted them shoulder height with my arms stretched out to the sides. Yes, Jesus got me crucified in a dumbbell situation. And the 30 year old crucified virgin started having fun with me. I began bringing them both forward and then back all in an arm stretched situation. I began clapping with 5Kg dumbbells. I only clapped twice, had to keep them back as i realized it would be a nice time to put’em back.

After that i did ask her some thing and we did talk for like 10 sec. But i was too fucked with what i did, i just cant remember.

Well by that time she was done with the thread-mill. I thought, ok now its time to show her what i can do on a thread mill. I will just run till she leaves.My eyes just popped out when i saw that she was running for 30min flat. So, lets just walk on the thread-mill.

Noooo! she just got the mat and is about to do something lying on the floor. What do i ask her? What do i ask her? Wait my mobile is still near the window. I will ask her to get hat for me and i can thanks her for that…

“Excuse me! Can you please get me my mobile… Its there near the window”

“Sure”, she promptly gets me my mobile… Mobile you lucky bastard.

I take the mobile from her, still walking very proudly on the thread-mill, keeps it in the holder, which was looking more like a bottle holder and then revert

“Sorry, Thank You, I’m “.

She just smiles and walks away.

What ever i did never got me sweating, but that dialog just sure did get me all sweating. From that moment onwards i just walked and never looked at her!!!

P.S. : I’m thankful that she doesnt have the Tuss-Effect !!!

After going silent, again, i’m back , again. This time the news is quite big ..

No, i didnt get married!

No, i didnt get engaged!

No, i’m not GAY!

Oh c’mon!!! I bought a flat here in Bangalore. Thats the news … i was waiting for the property rates to come down. But who could have guessed, i bought the flat and it came down. Any how, i’m all settled here at my place.

Got the broadband connection today. So here i’m back.

The following is the location :). Anybody is more than welcome to drop in. Gimme a call b4 you come. I might be at BIAL having SubWay

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This day, 2 years back i started this blog.

Phew !! been quite a ride ..

Thanks for all the readers and followers. And my friends who get spam mails from me regarding any updates …

happy blogging