Tag Archives: Life

I need reservation

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Yes, I’m asking for reservation. That will be 33.333333 (add as many 3’s as you need).

No I haven’t changed my gender and I’m not planning to get into politics. But in a house, where you are the only male who has to survive against 2 women, trust me, you need reservation.

With Emma and her mommy at one side, it’s tough for me, Emma’s dad, to do things my way. My things, the stuff that I need were all relocated or packed away to make room for Emma’s and mommy’s things. Even my prized Arduino board, like the rest of the electronics stuff among other things have all been packed into boxes and cast away into an unknown place.

There is an ongoing fight to control the angular momentum of the fan. Even during these cool, pleasant Bangalore mornings, the fan has to be turned on. Forget the days when it’s cold. For some apparent, unexplained reason both mom and daughter have high body temperature that neither of their bodies are able to regulate or successfully cool down. That calls for the fan switch to be on and the poor dad to crawl under a thick blanket.

Yes, blanket and bed space, the other things that I need to fight for. I go to bed with my wife, and Emma happily and peacefully (we think so) asleep in her cradle. But at some random point in the night, my daughter magically appears in the bed between me and my wife. Now she needs to be under the blanket and needs bed space. By the time I had given her those, I’m left with a ¾inch X 2m piece of cloth to cover my body on a 1inch X 2m bed space for the rest of the night, trying to get some sleep before I freeze to death.

I wonder why they need the blanket and the fan at the same time. I guess I will never know.

There was a time when I used to come back from office, pick up my iPad and read through what had happened to the online world. Someone somewhere would have gone wrong on the Internet the past 24hrs and it would have made some interesting read. Well, the only place where I could read now is the loo. But I guess they found out about that and my days and numbered. Yes my wifey caught me re-tweeting when I was in the act.

The developments of the motoring world were closely followed before. But couple of nights back, when my friend told me that he was getting a Vento. I asked him, which car was that. His jaw dropped so hard and made what is now the pothole in front of Boca Grande restaurant in Koramangala.

Enough is enough! After being a part time cook, driver, maid and a full time ATM machine, this dad needs his space at home.

I need my rightful 33.3333333% reservation.

Wait Till It Becomes My Fault!

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I love my wife! In many ways, to be precise. Living with her has changed my outlook towards life itself (possible oxymoron statement).

The first time she came to my apartment, i took her on a ‘tour’ of the place. We entered my bedroom and i decided to nag her by telling that, as a bachelor i was happy and lead a very comfortable life.

With she standing by me by the bedside, i had to prove my point. I told her, everyday i’d come home from work, take off my t-shirt and just toss it on the bed and i did the same right there – took off my t-shirt and tossed it on the bed.

She being very particular about keeping the place clean is a fact. But how the hell was i supposed to know that she had powers to bend the laws of physics like Neo or may be she would have been trained in some ancient Chinese martial arts form. All i saw in a flash was something moving beside me. Next thing i know is that my t-shirt never landed on the bed and there she was standing beside me with the t-shirt in her hand.

Like the Clint Eastwood character in the many western movies, she just said 2 words, “Not anymore!”, and i knew life was never going to be the same. (or rather i think i saw a cowboy hat, guns and boots and what she might have said was like – ‘Not anymore. Punk!’)

Off late, she blames me for what ever that goes wrong. And trust me when i say this – she blames me for everything, i mean everything.

There is water on the bathroom floor. Why? ‘Coz i didn’t wipe the floor. The closet is leaking. Its my fault because i didn’t fix it.

Now i have reached a point where anything that goes wrong is de-facto my fault!

Last night we decided to go to a discotheque. She was trying on the new denim skirt and ,lets just say it was my bad luck, she couldn’t fit in it as comfortably as she did when we had bought that almost a month back. Now that became my fault. How? Her arguments were so precisely formulated that i was defenseless. It goes like this –

Point 1 – Before marriage she could have easily fit into that skirt.

Point 2 – After marriage she is finding it tough to fit in that skirt.

Now what’s the reason? Obviously she married me. So its my fault that she couldn’t fit in the new skirt. The variable that defined whether she could fit into the skirt or not was defined by the wedding (yeah! even i didn’t see that coming over a skirt!)

Here is another situation as a closing note – She couldn’t wear the jewelry, as advertised now, because we married a bit too early before the new design came out. Now she is planning a re-marriage…

So the secret to our undying love for each other – i just wait for it to become my fault and i gladly accept it!

Post Marital Analysis

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MG 0670 thumb Post Marital Analysis Well its been over two months since i got married, got settled in Bangalore and living, lets say a quite ‘comfortable’ life. The root cause of this post is because i have to constantly answer the rhetorical and tiring question from friends, relatives and family – ‘So how is life?’.

Well what do you want me to say? That my wife is a pain in my not so fat ass and that every time she offers me something i make the her have a portion of that, just to make sure that its not poisoned and that my life has become one living hell. OR Shower praises about her and talk endlessly about her goodness OR Would a simple ‘Ok!’ would do.

So what really is it like after 2 months. For one thing for sure, you can’t black mail me with stories of me and my ex-girlfriends. She has already gone through my stuff while i was not at home and the best part being she confessing all of it after getting drunk (now that’s the way to extract secrets out of her!)

One thing good is what has happened to my eating habits. There is breakfast, lunch and dinner without fail. Its been almost a month since i have stepped into the kitchen to make something for myself. The very first month itself i taught her the basics of cooking, and impressed her with my culinary skills. Now she is able to handle the kitchen all by herself. As i tell my friends, earlier i used to got to the kitchen and then make food, now the food comes to me! In short i have trained her!

Oh Wait!

Now i realize what has actually happened! After the first month and after she had mastered the ways of the ‘kitchen’ , i thought i had trained her to do what ever she liked. But now i realize that it was the other way round. One month, it was just one month that she listed to me and then did what ever i asked her to. These days she cooks dinner and says, ‘Honey! come for dinner’. At times she tells me what we need to do when we have some spare time. Oh my god, she has trained me without my knowledge into her pet.

.. wait .. she is saying something..

Oh, dinner is ready! I need to go.

Wedding Bells!!! Uhh What? Where’s my BFG?

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(Still wondering what a BFG is? read on…)

I was there, standing at a railway crossing. I can walk across the rails and go ahead on the road, on my way, where ever it can take me. But, No! I park my bike and start walking on the railway line. Minutes and hours pass by. I come across green meadows, houses, hills; it was a timeless journey. No thirst, no hunger, no pain, nothing. It was me, the railway line and the view. I don’t know how far i was walking. The sun was there shining high up in the sky. He never moved. I was lost in my thoughts.

It has been quite sometime that I’ve started hearing some strange sounds. It sounded like the ringing bell of an old steam-locomotive. Ting…. Ting…. Ting….

I was high on my spirits. After a long walk, i have a train to go forward. This was like the ultimate dream. Or am i dreaming? I stop to turn around. What the…. my legs are glued to the ground. I cant move!!!. I was struggling like hell to free myself. Behind me i could see the dust and smoke rising up in the horizon. What ever it may be, the dream was just about to turn ugly. My heart’s beating a 1000 beats per minute.

I look behind. I see a shining far behind. Its small, its fast and its coming my way. I’m struggling like hell. I hear the bell ringing even closer. I turn behind… What the #$#%^&^(*(&)(*_)… a pandit with neatly shaved head, big pony tail flying behind him, ringing his bell with one hand and a ‘portable’-fireplace (might be some new 21st century invention).. running towards me. What on heaven’s sake is that?

“Son”, holy crap!!! its my dad, standing to my right.

“What… How… Why…”

“Son”, jeeezzzz, its my mom, standing to my left.

“What… What are you guys doing here?”

“Tie the knot my son!!!”, they both say that with absolute precision that can even leave the most meticulously synchronized systems to shame.

“Tie what?”, i look in front of me and i almost faint. I’m holding a ‘mangalsuthru’ and there is this girl standing in front of me. I don’t know jack shit about her. Is this a right time to at least ask her name?. What am i doing …

Ting ting ting ting ting ting ting ting ting ting …….

I was still sweating and breathing heavily as i jumped out of my bed. Checked around me and all round my flat just to make sure that i didn’t really wake up after my first-night… or worse 20 years after my marriage. So why do i get the feeling that this is what is going to happen to me????

Parental-pressure is high! By parental-pressure i mean damn crazy pressure that can cause you to go sleepless for days at end. If i thought that could only be the only one which can cause unrest in my serene life, i was wrong. There was… No… there IS a far more greater pressure that will eventually get happy bachelors to get married. Its scientifically called Peer-Pressure a.k.a Friends.

Celibacy is not my way of life. But Yes, face it! Its your FRIENDS who will eventually get you married. They will all be there. They are the greatest treasure that u can have. Even long after you are gone, you will live within your friends. ‘Gone’ as in not like you are dead. ‘Gone’ as in, you go on-site and they will still talk about you as, ‘Kaminaa Saala!!! On-site se kuch nahi leke aayega. Fakeeerrrr…’. You live now, not after you’re dead.

They are there. But have you ever though about what happens when they all eventually face the running-pandit, gets run over by him, never gets a chance to wake up and lives the ‘dream’. Oops you’re in trouble.

They all get married and start their family. They no longer enjoy the jokes that you shared. Even worse they even reach a point where they tell you, “Dude don’t talk about all that, she doesn’t like all that”. Worse still, his wife hates you and more worse, her husband starts having feelings for you.

Oops! your friend will change. They all change eventually and you are left alone. You just cant go and make more friends because, the ‘make-great-friends’ list gets shorter with age. Soon you will find yourself without the great friends that you used to hand out with, no new friends and you are being treated like an adult where ever you go. And i believe the later stage is definitely not where i want to find myself at.

So now there is even more pressure on you to get married…

Whats that… Ting ting ting ting ting ting ting ting ting ting… Where is that BFG (Big Fucking Gun), i’m gonna kill that pandit…

WTF… its full platoon of relatives and friends marching towards me. Dad and Mom holding a garland each, friends with kids and its then i realize that the pandit was just a side-kick.

I just stand there like a scapegoat as they dance around me… Ting ting ting ting ting ting ting ting ting ting…